I Feel

This is a journal entry of mine from about a month ago. I felt led to share, though I must admit it leaves me feeling a tad vulnerable. Do not fear, names have been changed to protect the innocent…haha!

My heart is heavy tonight…

Seems like there are so many uncertainties in life right now. I’m not sure of what will happen from day to day.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I feel as though I should be so much farther along than I am. Married, in a stable job, kids, living in my own home. Ahhh yes, the American dream. The standards of our culture, our society. Makes me feel like there is something very wrong with me.

Sometimes I feel like giving up and giving in. I feel as though I’m living a life that is not my own and I desperately want to be rid of it. I feel stranded in a world that is not my home…and I am home sick. My stomach, my heart, they ache to be home.

Yet there is this thing inside me. It’s keeping me alive. As much as I want to give up. As much as I long for home. As much as I desire to walk away from this life…I cannot. Something deep within my heart keeps pulling me back. I love, and I get hurt. Yet I cannot stop loving. I give, and I get taken advantage of. Yet I cannot stop giving. I trust, and it gets broken. Yet I keep trusting. I believe, and it gets tarnished. Yet, I continue to hope. There is a compassion within me for those who hurt. A compassion that longs to see healing arise. Yet I hurt and can feel their pain. It breaks my heart in two.

I see clearly the suffering of Jesus. I see His tears, His pain. Clearly He felt deep within His soul. He is the Prince of Peace, yet He weeps. He is all knowing, yet He comforts me and empathizes even though He knows everything will be alright.

We are not void of pain or difficulties. We are not void of hardship or tears. Though we will stand victorious, we are in the midst of war. This is not a call for the faint of heart. It is violent and messy. We must keep our eye on the goal, the prize, the victory that is to come. We must be bold in faith and love. We must carry hope and peace. Yet we cannot be fools and blind to the present. The end has not yet come, and their is a war to be fought. There is a war to be won. It will not be accomplished by sitting around on our hands and leaving someone else to pick up our cross, because no one else ever will. Love, love, love! Oh love must come violently and carry us away. It must pierce our hearts like a sword ruining us for anything less. Then we must pick up that sword and fight, piercing the hearts of others for loves sake.

Love is messy. When we allow it to be what it is, when we allow love to consume us… It gets messy and pours out of us, smearing everything we come into contact with. Like leaving a bloody trail behind for others to follow. You see, for love to abide there is a death that must take place. Sacrifices will be made. Laying down our own agendas, desires, dreams and even our very lives all for the sake of love. The hungry will smell the stinch of death and draw near. Like vultures waiting to feast. Then the unthinkable, the miraculous takes place. Like a baby, life is birthed from the death and sacrifice. All things are made new. The hungry crowd that can never manage to have their hunger met gets a taste of living flesh and blood.

…then nothing is ever the same.

The praises of the multitudes who’ve finally had there hunger met will storm the gates. The doors to the Kingdom shall be opened, and floods will flow from the gate immersing the crowds. Filling them once more to go and drip, drip, drip…