Unafraid

For too long I’ve lived in fear. A fear that has kept me silent. A fear that has left me shackled and chained. A fear that has kept me hidden, debilitated, crippled.

I’ve been afraid to speak openly about events that took place 13 years ago. Afraid of what my fellow classmates may think. Afraid of what those directly affected may think. Afraid of what others who’ve experienced similar events may think. Afraid of what unhealed wounds might surface. Afraid of what suppressed memories could arise. Afraid of being accused of dwelling in the past. Afraid of being vulnerable or baring weakness.

Afraid… no more. Fear, you have been unkind to me. You are no friend of mine and I refuse to feed or entertain you any longer. 

Today this fear dies; I’m not afraid. Today I speak and let my voice be heard. I am no longer concerned or hindered by the thoughts, perceptions or judgments of others. Today I conquer fear and scream freedom. 

13 years ago I experienced a horrific tragedy. A tragedy that not only shook the little town of Paducah, KY… but the nations. A tragedy that left 3 precious girls dead, 5 wounded and hundreds in shock, traumatized and devastated. The first of it’s kind, but unfortunately not the last. A tragedy that still affects me to this day.

Yes, I still cry. They are different tears than they were 13, 8 or even 2 years ago and they occur less and less; but they still come. Yup, I still have unanswered questions. Some that I doubt will ever be answered. They bug me from time to time, but they no longer rule me or consume my thoughts. There are still times when a balloon pops or fireworks go off and the hair on the back of my neck stands up sending chills down my spine. I don’t freak out or go into a panic attack any more though. The smell of gunpowder still takes me back to the school lobby that morning, but I no longer break out in a cold sweat whenever I see a gun.

I’ve learned so much. The shooting has shaped me and is a big part of my life. I’m still learning from it, and I imagine that as long as I’m open, I will continue to learn. Yet, with each day that passes, it becomes a smaller part of my life as I experience new things and grow in years. It does not identify who I am.

I still remember. It’s a memory that is remembered less and less. A memory that grows more distant.

…but I still remember.